Don't Look Back
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: Tom Chandler walked off the Nathan James, a man forever altered. What happens when best friend Slattery and past love Sasha check on him a month later? What do they find? CHAP 3 UP NOW
1. Thomas Chandler – Slaying Inner Demons

**Title: Don't Look Back  
** **Chapter 1 – Thomas Chandler – Slaying Inner Demons**

 **Summary:** Tom Chandler walked off the Nathan James, a man forever altered. What happens when best friend Slattery and past love Sasha check on him a month later? What do they find?

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing from The Last Ship (sadly) only my hard working muse and the dream to work under Captain Chandler (pun intended) hehe and the love of all things #chandlery (b/c I love my bromance and this show rocks it!)

 **A/N:** Oh watching him leaving the James…again...ah it'll rip my heart out until I know how he comes back in season 4. So this is a little open ended speculation piece b/c I don't know what role he'll come back to or who will be the catalyst to make that happen. Hope you all enjoy this angsty little ficlet.

* * *

 _"Don't look back."_

Part of him wanted to. Part of him wanted to stop, look back and make Slattery eat his words. But he didn't…couldn't. If he did, he'd be reminded of what the ship symbolized – himself and putting his work ahead of his family; part of which he now lost and blames himself for. One part dying to save the other – his father, his children. All lives forever altered.

Just as he takes the last step off the plank his stomach seizes as he recalls his beloved son telling him the emotional tale of his father bravely sacrificing himself after one hell of a fight to keep the children from falling into the wrong hands.

 _'NOOOOOO Grandpa!'_

His eyes squeeze shut as he can picture Sam's horrified face and then the fresh blood splattering on his daughter Ashely as his father Jed fell to the ground. He could only wonder if his father cursed him at any time? _it was him to told you to leave…he knew the risks…they all did….NOT MY CHILDREN!_ Chandler's mind yells back as he gets into the backseat of the black SUV and then finally, when he's alone and can't be seen through the darkened glass, does he dare to direct his tormented gaze toward the imposing figure of the Nathan James.

His heart seizes as he's instantly zoomed back in time to the first day he stepped onto the lower deck of the impressive Navy destroyer. But as his eyes blink and he looks up, they for a few seconds rest on two figures – the first is the captain, Michael Slattery. A man he admires, trusts and is proud to call best friend and now Captain. The other…Sasha Cooper. His heart droops as he watches her the longest until he has to turn away and looks down in silent misery. They shared a past and for a few moments not so long ago he thought a future.

 _It's all lost now…_ he inwardly laments as the driver asks him where he wants to go.

"Home," he simply replies.

 _'Okay okay…what's the big deal? A blindfold really? Darien…'_

 _'Oh stop whining already.'_

 _His mind zooms him back in time to a scene where he's standing in front of his first home, his young wife's arm looped in his, two young kids practically, and large grins on their faces._

 _'Do you like it? Our first home.'_

 _'I love it!'_

 _With that he scooped her up into his arms and carried her into their home, Darien smiling all the way and telling him they'd have to christen each room to make it really official._

For a few tormented seconds, a tense smile adorns his somewhat rough features and the aching in his heart stops. But that happy moment is shattered as he hears his father's recounting of when he found her and the kids in their 'home', sick…and her trying to be brave despite the inner ability to fight the virus slowly ravaging her body – to death.

"Damn it!" Chandler curses with a hiss, drawing a curious glance from the driver.

"Sir…everything okay?"

"Yes," he replies simply as he shakes his head, mostly at himself. "Everything is…" _fine? okay? normal?_ No…he would have to silently acknowledge. _Nothing will ever be the same again._

He reaches his quiet home and stares out the darkened window, the tint adding to the mood within his soul and stares at the House before him with misery.

"Is there…anything else you need Sir?" The military driver politely inquires.

"A time machine," Chandler tosses back in quiet sarcasm as his lips drawn into a thin line. "No. Thank you," he adds as he slowly pushes himself from the SUV, duffle bag in hand and then stops and stares once more. The SUV waits for a few minutes until Chandler offers a wave and then he's alone.

The home wasn't the same. It was the one his father and children had been at before they were ambushed by Allison Shaw's death squad. Ashley told him that Deb had taken Frankie to stay with a friend who wanted to see the baby boy before moving away with her family.

Anger gently surges but he reminds himself that the only one to blame for his father's death was Shaw – who was dead herself. _It's over…you need to find a way to heal…._ but even as his mind offers up a small bit of hope Shaw's words about ' _YOU UNLEASHED THE WORST OF HUMANITY…YOU…YOU…YOU!'_

How could he heal? Try to move on…when the people he wants to rebuild with and move on are dead because of his actions! _You're children are very much alive and NEED YOU!_ His brain argues back.

He finally finds the strength to pull away and head for the front door, his eyes darting around and finally seeing the aftermath of the attack, bullet holes, shattered glass, busted doorposts…a fight that ended in bloodshed.

Kara told him that Deb arranged for Jed's body to be taken to a local funeral home so that when they returned home, especially the children wouldn't have to deal with that – again. He had hoped the children would stay with Deb and Frankie a few more days but when he spies movement from within and then sees his son's face peering out, his heart somewhat sinks.

Chandler pushes the door open and then looks at the two somber faces with a guilty expression; eyeing Deb and hearing Frankie in the doorway to the kitchen. Sam rushes up to him and wraps his arms around his waist and looks up with a wide-eyed expression.

"How long are you staying?"

"For good. I've resigned my commission."

"What?" Ashley asks in shock as she nears her father with hesitant steps. "Why?"

"Like forever?" Sam tries to qualify as Deb nears them with Frankie bundled in her arms.

"We need to go. Take care of yourself Tom," she leans in for a hug. "Jed never blamed you for anything. Remember that," she adds audibly as she pulls back with a tight lipped smile.

"Thank you for helping here."

He watches her leave and then turns back to his children with a heavy frown. "I resigned because…I'm needed here. With you both. I've neglected you long enough."

"I miss Grandpa," Sam gently laments as Chandler's arm wraps around his young son once more and pulls him close.

"You should have been here." Ashley states simply before she turns and stomps toward her room, leaving the two male Chandler's along in the room together.

"Sam…" Chandler huffs as he slowly lowers himself down onto the couch, taking his son with him. There are so many questions that he wants to ask his son…what happened? How did they find you? where…why…when…but in that moment as his son looks up with innocent adoring eyes, he can't. Words fail him. But when he sees his son's eyes well, his heart instantly shatters.

"I miss Grandpa so much," Sam cries as his father holds him close, cradling him in his strong grasp and gently rocking him back and forth.

"So do I Sam…so do I," Chandler agrees as he holds his son until he goes limp in his arms. He holds him until Sam's little frame stops shuddering and then looks at him in concern. "Do you want supper or…what's going on…where is everything?"

"Grandpa kept it locked in the garage in the food cellar under the old truck. You know, just in case," Sam relates and then ends with a small smile that settles Chandler's agitation a little.

"Okay…I'll check it out and then…"

"What happens now dad? Did you really quit the Navy?"

"I resigned. Yes. It was the right thing to do," Chandler replies simply as he looks at his son with softly pursed lips. "Now…now we try to rebuild, together, as a family. Is that okay?"

"Sure," Sam shrugs, a hint of uncertainty in his tone. "Are we gonna be okay?"

"We'll be fine," Chandler answers his son firmly, knowing that despite his own inner insecurity, it's what his son needs to hear right now – what they both need to hear right now. _LIAR!_ His brain silently scolds him. _You're not gonna be fine until you face your own inner demons and slay them!_

"Okay so…let's see about supper and then…do you want to talk about anything? About what happened or…?" Chandler tries to prod.

"No. I'm good," Sam replies simply.

That of course was another lie but one he isn't about to call his son out on. It would do no good. The death of Jed would soon resurface and they'd all be hit with those angry emotions all over again. Forcing them would only cause resentment to build and he had enough of that to last a lifetime; now was a time to help them heal – again.

They hardly had time to properly mourn the passing of their mother, much less their grandfather but now he would make sure they had that time; that they were given that moment – for however long they needed.

"Okay…I'll go and see what we have and then…I'll be back and we'll…do whatever. Can you…I don't even know the routine," Chandler huffs as he slowly stands up. He catches a glimpse of Ashley standing in the doorway to her bedroom and offers her a small smile.

Her expression remains placid but she doesn't move.

"Do you two want to…help me with dinner?"

"Not hungry," she states simply and then disappears from view once more.

He doesn't fight it. Doesn't argue. He knows he doesn't have the right. Her love…their trust. He'd have to work at regaining both. At first it would seem like an uphill battle but he knows the end would be worth it. At least…he _hopes_ it will be.

"Be right back."

Chandler's hand gives his son's shoulder a supportive squeeze as he pulls away and heads toward the back of the small home, pushing his way outside into the late afternoon air and then pauses for a few seconds as he looks around. For a few seconds he hears himself…his wife…the kids laughing; the four of them playing a friendly game of touch football. For a few seconds a smile appears, the light shines and his heart settles – he feels a peace. For a few seconds.

However, that happiness is soon clouded by darkness as he hears his daughter screaming and Shaw laughing as a bullet pierces his thoughts, the air around him and his father's chest. He hears his father cursing Shaw's name before his own frame offers a shudder.

"Damn…" he curses once more as he continues on his way toward the garage.

He pulls the door open to the musty smell building and once again holds his place for a few seconds before daring to walk the rest of the way.

However, when alone…away from prying, watchful or wondering eyes, Tom Chandler's eyes well, he sinks to his knees and he cries. His head hangs and his chest starts to heave as his body finally is able to expel all the pent up emotion that he had been carrying inside for months. Literally.

"Why…" Chandler's voice starts off with a small whimper as his steps start to falter. "Why!" Comes the rhetorical request as his fists tighten into little balls. Here he didn't have anything to prove or anyone to answer to for his emotional outburst – he could just expel whatever was pent up inside, fighting to get out without fear of judgment or consequence.

"WHY!" Chandler's voice shouts as his legs wobble finally giving way and forcing him to his knees. "Why…why…" his lips quiver as his lungs start to gasp for air as his arms drop to his sides.

The emotion comes, non-stop, angry, resentful, remorseful, uncertain and guilty. But before his entire frame can sag completely to the cold floor of the small garage, his feels arms wrap around him and he lifts his watery eyes affix on a sad expression and finally focus.

"Why?" He asks as Ashley's head buries itself in her father's neck. "I ki…killed them…all of them. Rachel, Rivas, Cruz, Tex…dad…your mother."

She hugs him tightly as she starts to cry as well, the two of them finally allowing their grief to finally find a voice. "He didn't…blame you…grandpa…he…he didn't blame you. He wanted…me to…to tell you that."

Deb had told him that but hearing Ashley tell him – there were no words. Nothing he could offer as gratitude for being released from part of his own inner hell. A weight is lifted. Somewhat. Relief tries to wash away the guilt. It doesn't have the strength at the present moment. But that would come. Within minutes Chandler feels his son's arms around him and looks at his son with a begging glance.

"Forgive me," he begs as a single tear escapes and slides down Sam's cheek. He next turns to his daughter and asks the same tormented question, "Forgive me…please."

"Love you so much," Ashley whispers as she kisses his tear stained cheek. "We're a family again."

"I love you both so much and I'm so…so sorry," he whispers again as he holds them close. So many lives lost…so many lives destroyed but in that moment three lives find a small glimmer of hope.

As Tom Chandler holds his children close a small voice in deepest depths of his soul…of his mind…of his heart is trying to be heard, trying to make itself acknowledged, trying to give them hope. And it would be heard…in time.

In that moment he knew two things very clearly – one, he had to slay his inner demons for any hope of mental peace and two that even though he didn't know quite how to do that – he wouldn't have to do it alone.

The three of them remain huddled together, crying, talking, cursing…healing.

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 **A/N:** Ah yeah you know I just couldn't let this one go. Hope you all liked this little angsty peak into Chandler's mind and up next is a visit from a familiar face. How will that go? please review before you go and thanks so much!

 **PS:** Yes I will be updating 'Stolen' next…please don't despair or be angry but my muse was so inspired by all the emotions of this season and this final eppy


	2. Michael Slattery – Loyalty runs Deeper t

**Title: Don't Look Back  
** **Chapter 2 – Michael Slattery – Loyalty runs Deeper than Duty**

* * *

 _"Don't look back."_

He wished Tom would look back but knew inside he wasn't going to. Was it pride or just stubbornness. Or both? _Come on Tom…look back…make me think…feel…believe this isn't as final as it appears._ But all Mike Slattery is rewarded with is Tom Chandler's back – taught shoulders and determined but defeated posture as he slowly but steadily becomes a tiny figure and then disappears from view.

Slattery shakes his head and then turns to look at his crew, all of them silently staring at the spot where Chandler had been standing, most of the core crew of the Nathan James staring in disbelief and quiet sadness. He looks up at Sasha who remains standing frozen in time with a somewhat forlorn expression on her face but her gaze fixed firmly onto the horizon.

 _He shouldn't have left….not like this…not for good…_ Slattery's mind inwardly churns as he turns and silently heads back into the belly of the Nathan James with an expression as somber as the rest of his crew. _'This is your ship now Mike…'_ the words…of course it was but the tone in Tom's voice made him shudder down to his very core. The mood on the ship had changed – at least for now as everyone was trying to mentally digest what just happened.

 _Chandler resigned….for good…gone…for good…_

Slattery slips into his quiet quarters and slowly walks up to his desk, his eyes dropping down to a picture of him and Tom – a picture they both had a copy of, one of them smiling, holding beers and cigars – the mood that of two best buddies, brothers bonded by loyalty and duty.

His first impulse is to go and see Chandler and tell him that he's ripped up his resignation and that was final. Of course he knows Tom doesn't answer to him but if it could change Chandler's mind about at least staying with the Navy…then something inside would feel a little less agitated.

 _He would have convinced me…why didn't I try harder? What else could I have said? All those damn pep talks from him and I only agreed with his decision?_ Reluctantly but…still couldn't convince him to stay, in any form.

"Damn it Tom," Slattery softly curses as he picks up the picture and then stares at it with a stony expression as his heart droops. It wasn't like they were in port for a few weeks of repairs and then back onto the open waters for their next adventure. But…there would be no " _their"_ next adventure and that suddenly forces his morbid anxiety to spike.

For a split second he considers picking up the phone, calling Chandler and telling him that his decision was too rash and he just needed some time but he would go stir crazy doing nothing and would be back. _Maybe he has a plan? Maybe he wants to just settle down and be a regular father now? do…nothing?_ His brain inwardly laughs at that as he knows Chandler's a man of action and for him to just sit around waiting for the action to come to him would be out of character.

 _Chandler needs to go home…see his kids, bury his father and grieve – properly grieve because he hasn't had time yet. He needs to do this._ "Right," Slattery huffs as he slowly places the picture back in it's place. _But…_ his inner monologue continues _… he can't do that forever, its not even healthy. Wait a month…and then go see how he's doing._

And he would. As much as he'd hate to watch the days tick slowly past, counting down, he'd do it. He'd give Chandler his time, his time to bond with his family and then he'd go and see him. _And then what? …_ that he didn't know in that moment but was sure as soon as he reconnected with his friend, a future plan would present itself.

At least…that's what he hoped for.

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For the first time in weeks…Mike Slattery feels nervous anxiety gripping his frame as he, now dressed in civilian clothing, steps, from the plank of the Nathan James and slowly walks toward the waiting Jeep. His mind races with wonder about how Chandler was doing. What had he done in a month? Were they even still at the same location? Had he found a new job? How had the kids fared? How…where…why…when…maybe…what if…so many questions swirling around and just adding to his inner agitation. Of course he didn't call Chandler ahead of time, not wanting Tom to tell him he was fine and didn't want to be disturbed.

He drives through the somewhat disheveled streets of Saint Louis, an area that had at one time been unfamiliar but now was home to most of them. With the seat of Government and Naval Operations moving to St. Louis, all of them had to try to rebuild in a new area, if they so wanted.

Slattery stops the jeep a few houses down and then stops and looks at the Chandler home with a heavy gaze; his heart rate starting to pick up the pace. _Go…knock on the door and then…he's not going to turn you away…he's…_ in reality he didn't know what to expect.

A month had passed but it might as well have been a lifetime as he feels some odd disconnect starting to form as his steps near the front door. But Slattery tells himself come what may, he'll see how his friend is and then… _go back to the ship and sulk for a few hours?_ Touché….

"Sam, hey," Slattery greets the youngest male Chandler with a friendly smile as Sam gives him a small smile in return and hesitates for a few minutes before letting Slattery enter. "Is your dad here?"

"Yeah…out back. You can go see him."

"Thanks. How are you?"

"Fine," Sam shrugs as Slattery offers him a casual pat on the back and then looks up as Ashley enters the room.

"Hey Ashley."

"Hey," she extends as Slattery nears and he replies with a friendly greeting of his own.

Both children look at him with uncertainty, wondering if he was there to take their father away on some dangerous mission with the very real possibility that he could be killed in action and they'd be orphans.

"Just want to talk to him for a few minutes," Slattery qualifies, almost feeling the need to justify the reason for his visit, feeling a twinge of guilt tugging at him as their silent gazes start to penetrate into his core. He gives them a nod and then pushes on toward the back and then outside into the cool fresh air.

He pauses for a few seconds on the deck as he spies the neatly manicured lawn and then lets his gaze rest on – not his missing friend but something else that wasn't there before. Two modest tombstones.

 _'Darien Chandler and Jedidiah Chandler.'_

Slattery nears the somber little backyard memorial and drops his eyes to let them rest on the two solid slabs of grey; his mind so immersed in contemplating what that tormented ceremony must have been like that he fails to hear or sense his friend coming up beside him.

"The local cemetery just didn't seem…personal enough."

Slattery slightly nods and then turns to look at his friend with a tense expression.

"Mike."

"Hope I'm not intruding," Slattery greets as the two of them offer the other a brotherly hug and then pull back, looking at the other with friendly smiles.

"Never."

The persona looks the same but it's obvious to anyone that's looking, the Tom Chandler standing before him now isn't the same man that left the deck of the Nathan James a month ago. Not looking back. Life had changed him. Aged him. Broken him.

Had he picked up and successfully glued back all the pieces? Time would tell that.

"Had I known you were coming I woulda shaved," Chandler lightly retorts as he rubs the few days facial hair growth.

"I woulda called first but…" Slattery starts as Chandler directs them toward two chairs on the back deck. "Wasn't sure you would have opened the door."

"Always. The door is always open," Chandler tells him directly.

A few seconds silence starts to develop as both settle into their chairs; Chandler looking up to see his kids watching and then looks at his friend with a tense expression.

"So…how are you? I would have come sooner but…but figured you needed the time to…" Slattery pauses as he looks back into the yard toward the small makeshift memorial site. "To get things done here. How are the kids?"

"They are better. Won't lie…first few weeks…were hell, on all of us. A few days after I uh…left, I called Kat Nolan. Wanted to say sorry and tell her how her father died. She was angry at first and resentful and I couldn't blame her. But she…forgave me. Needed to hear that."

 _OF COURSE SHE DID! IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT! I TRIED TO TELL YOU THAT!_ Slattery's mind wanted to yell. But he didn't. Chandler needed to hear that as part of his own personal recovery and grieving process. Allison Shaw murdered Tex – not Thomas Chandler but because it was Chandler's plan and his family involved, his life, it was as if he had personally pulled the trigger. Plus…Tex's death wasn't just another sailor on the ship. He was a friend. A friend who although knowing the risks, offered up his life after trying to be that last vestige of a moral compass that Chandler so desperately needed.

"Course she did," Slattery comments softly as Chandler's brow furrows. "I really want to ask if you're getting cabin fever yet but I think the kids have already set a trap for me," he lightly chuckles as Chandler's expression softens.

"Mike…"

"You know you don't answer to me right? I got it…I might not have agreed with it fully but…but I had to respect it."

"I'm all they have left."

"I get that. And that's why I didn't come banging on the door a few days after you left telling you to reconsider your actions," Slattery explains somberly. "Wanted to. But I knew you didn't have time to grieve. And with Jed…I get it. You had no time to grieve Darien and…yeah."

"I didn't want them to hate me or think I cared more about this country than them," Chandler confesses as his gaze wanders out toward the back yard and rests on his wife's tombstone. "This country is built or should be rebuilt on the strength of families, so how could I tell them that and leave when…when I hold myself responsible for destroying ours."

Slattery looks at Chandler and opens his mouth when Chandler holds up his hand and his speech instantly stops.

"They helped me work past that," Chandler quickly qualifies. "Helped me see how much all families have lost."

"Admire that," Slattery whispers with a small note of sour in his tone.

"Mike…"

"I don't resent you having them. I…I envy that," Slattery replies with a stiff lipped smile as Chandler's brows arch.

"Envy. That's green."

"And Green is for those army guys," Slattery concludes and both lightly laugh. "I haven't given up hope but…but I have come to terms with…with myself I guess."

"How's everyone?"

"Doing fine," Slattery simply replies. "Everyone's asked about you. Tom, you were such a big part of their lives. Course they're still wondering. Was bombarded with hello's when they heard I was coming here," he ends with a small snicker before his expression clouds once more.

"How's uh…Sasha?"

"Haven't seen her since she left the ship," Slattery admits. "Thought she'd have been here by now."

"No. Maybe I can't blame her," Chandler lightly groans.

"If you had asked me that day…to walk off the ship with you…I might have."

"No you wouldn't," Chandler replies in haste. "At least not to join my…personal crusade."

"I hope you were able to get some closure."

"I was…in part. This helps," Chandler gestures with his head toward the small memorial in the near distance. "Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed or just need to talk or…or just sit and stare at it and remember good times I can. I don't have to go far. Was Ashley's idea."

"Smart girl."

"Damn stubborn too," Chandler smiles.

"Runs in the family."

Chandler's lips slightly twist upward as he recalls the moment the three of them were standing in the quiet funeral home just after Jed had been cremated. They took the modest urn home and put it beside Darien's and broke down – again. Then an idea came to mind and was implemented; all of them slowly finding comfort in some real closure.

"It's helped."

"Do they get to uh…see Deb and Frankie very much?"

Chandler hears the question and then looks at his friend with a small frown, knowing exactly what he's asking.

"Just…asking."

"Are you?"

"You know I didn't come here to mollycoddle you right?" Slattery retorts flatly.

"You're not really molly whatever kinda guy," Chandler tosses back with a slight smirk. "Was waiting for the ass kicking."

"But…then it's not my place to impose them on Deb," Slattery adds as he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees and looks down for a few seconds and then back up. "Seems odd though…"

"What?"

"Going back out there without you watching my back…from wherever or however far you are…doesn't seem right," Slattery confesses as he slowly sits back up. "Don't want to guilt but had to say it."

"No I uh…the first few weeks were necessary. Even now…I wonder if enough time has passed before."

"It's your call not mine. I don't want to add to any guilt or leave here with you feeling guilty because of something I said. Or the kids to resent me when my intentions are…I don't know what they are," Slattery groans as he casts a thoughtful glance at his friend.

"I've been very open with the kids about everything," Chandler admits. "They know I won't be staying home forever but right now…I don't know how long or…or what capacity I'll…I don't know."

Slattery got it. Love for his family…loyalty to them had to run deeper than duty if Tom Chandler was to have any hope at all of returning to any kind of…duty? Work? Service? That was the biggest question on Mike Slattery's mind at the moment – what role was Tom Chandler going to take next?

"So…wanna stay for dinner?"

"Yeah…love to."

* * *

 **A/N:** So again I have no idea what or who will make Chandler actually come back so am leaving these a bit open ended, wanting to show that maybe it's a few factors that make him come back – to whatever action they put him into. But are the visits done? Sasha's is up next. Hope you all liked Slattery's and would love your thoughts on this so please do review before you go and thanks so much!


	3. Sasha Cooper – Fight for What you Want

**Title: Don't Look Back  
** **Chapter 3 – Sasha Cooper – Fight for What you Want**

* * *

 _"Don't look back."_

 _Please look back…look back you damn stubborn bastard!...Tom…please…please look back!_

As she stood there on the upper deck of the Nathan James, her heart ripping to pieces with every step he took away from the ship – away from her, her mind feared the worst. The tightness in his shoulders, the rigidity of his jaw…the fact his posture was ramrod straight…Slattery's comment about not to look back didn't help matters and for a second she wanted to yell out a counter command – PLEASE LOOK BACK!

 _This can't be it…that last moment we shared…that kiss…it can't be the last…can't be our final moment together._ Sasha watches Tom slightly pause before the back door of the SUV and her heart pauses, waiting…hoping that he'll turn around to give them…her…some small glimmer of hope that this indeed wasn't the end – for him and for them.

But he doesn't and that small moment of elation instantly plummets into the darkest depths of her soul as emotion starts to well. _Just hold it together until you are off the damn ship!_ She commands herself as her jaw tightens.

She wants to be the first to turn away. The first to show him, in case he had turned back and was looking at them through the dark tint of the back windows of the SUV that she was just as done as him. The first to show that this parting wasn't inwardly ripping her to emotional shreds inside.

 _You just came into my life again…you can't…you can't just walk back out now!_ her mind spirals as she quickly tries to swallow. Her throat seizes as the SUV starts to slowly pull away, finally disappearing from view. Sasha looks down and catches Mike Slattery's glance and knows that he too is inwardly devastated by his friend leaving like that – resigning his commission but because of the crew, is remiss to show any real emotion in public.

She pulls away from the balcony and then leans against the side of the large Navy ship, closing her eyes and finally allowing a bit of mist to develop beneath her lashes. She inwardly curses herself for breaking down like this but quickly reminds herself she's alone and it would be allowed – especially today.

 _Pack up…leave the ship…you stayed for Tom…you have nothing here now. The job is over. Peng is dead. Time to…_ "move on," she utters breathlessly as she turns and slowly wanders back inside the ship. It was one man. One man who had left, otherwise the count was the same. And yet…yet the one that had left had already left a hollow that couldn't be filled.

Sailor's meandered past her with silent nods. Beloved faces offered tight lipped smiles. And once familiar corridors now seemed strange, cold…empty. She reaches his quarters and stops, her hand slightly quivering as it rests on the door handle and pushes down, slowly pushing it open and then allowing her breath to catch.

The emptiness that greets her is like an instant sucker punch to the gut – it hurts, it takes the wind from her lungs and forces her eyes to water. She hates the feeling. It was the same when they last parted. She hated it then. Hates it now. Wants him back. Now.

"Damn…why the hell am I here?" She hisses at herself as she tells herself to leave now. But she's unable. Emotional misery seizes her frame and keeps her captive in place as she stares in remorse at the barrenness before her. _He's gone…gone for good…_

Her eyes close and for a few seconds her heart rate speeds up when she feels her frame in his grasp, his hand on her face, his lips on her mouth. _Our final kiss…_ NO! Her mind shouts back. Not final…just a break, a pause…an I'll see you later kiss. She wants to believe that; that their heated moment wasn't their final emotional interlude that they'd ever share.

 _You need to go see him…he needs you and you…you need him._

She wants nothing more. She wants to go after him. Where? The new home in St. Louis? Or back to Norfolk? Norfolk held special memories for sure but here was a new chance; a chance for them all to start over as a family. Healing. Healing together. _He needs time with his family._ That she knows is true. And she'd give him that time. How long? That would depend on how long _she_ could hold out. It would only be a month. That's all she could handle.

XXXXXXXX

She had gone over in her mind a million times during the past week, on the drive over and as she walks up the steps to his front door. What she'd say…how he'd look…how they'd interact. _Will he even want to see me? Will he open the door? Will he…_ she knocks. No answer.

Sasha pulls back with some dismay and looks at the quiet surroundings as her heart starts to pick up the pace once more. _Maybe the information was wrong…maybe he moved without giving anyone a forwarding address._ If that were the case she knows she can make a call and get what she needs – a current address for Thomas Chandler. But she had hoped it wouldn't come to that.

She pauses before she knocks once more, this time her hearing picks up something and she looks to the left and then decides to take a chance and follow the path around to the back of the House. Which she does. She peers over the edge and then stops before she lifts the latch, her dark brows arching as a small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.

But as she hears him utter an angry mutter, the smile droops and a small frown adorns her usually smooth brow instead. _You came here to say something…go say it!_ Her mind commands as her fingers rest on the latch and then give it a tug. With a few swift steps she enters the yard and then stops; Tom Chandler looking up from his task and letting his weary sapphires widen in wonder.

An expression crosses his handsome face. Not one that's angry, or upset or even disappointed. Surprise. Happy surprise? More like familiar surprise. Tired. Aged…different.

"Might ask if I'm seeing things," he comments as he pauses in cutting some fresh firewood, resting the thick axe on the ground as she approaches. She was dressed down but it didn't matter, she always did something to him, no matter what she was wearing – her smile always made him weak in her knees.

"I can pinch you and you'll know for sure," she replies with a small smile as she holds her place, a small lump of emotion forming in her throat as she quickly tries to swallow it down so she can still carry on with what she wants to say… _needs_ to say. "I…how are you?"

"Fine. Just us…kids are at the park with Deb and the whole Green clan," he replies with an easy smile as he looks at her a bit more closely. "You okay?"

"I always land on my feet," she replies with a firm smile as she finally decides to take a few steps closer. But as she does she seals her fate as he can tell by the underlying worry peeking out through her eyes that she's lying.

"Sasha…"

"Fine?" She tosses back at him as her arms fold across her chest, holding his gaze. Chandler shakes his head as he drops the shaft of the axe handle and wanders over to a small bench a few meters away and slumps down, grabbing a nearby bottle of water and taking a few refreshing swigs.

She goes and sits down beside him and both allow a few moments of silence to ensue before one of them breaks the cool afternoon air with some warm words.

"How are Ashley and Sam?" Sasha inquires warmly.

"They are getting better. Learning to cope. Guess we all are."

Part of her mind is listening to what he's saying while the other part of her mind allows her eyes to wander to where the two simple tomb stones are standing silent and her expression droops.

"Helps with the healing," he admits as he follows her gaze. "Especially for Ashley. Still…still can't believe dad's gone. It was Ashley who wanted to me to go back out after Darien passed. I was ready to resign then. This time…she didn't fight as hard."

"Can't blame her," Sasha agrees somewhat somberly as Chandler glances to his right and looks at her in wonder. "When you left the ship…"

"Sasha."

"I came to say this…I…I need to say it. Ah hell I've been practicing it for a week or maybe a bit more."

"A week? That's it?" He tosses back lightly as her expression softens.

"When you left, I think part of me left with you. When you didn't look back. Wanted you to look back. Needed you to look back. Telling me it wasn't so…so final."

"I was in a bad place when I left. If I looked back," his voice dies out into a soft hiss as he looks away and then down at the grass before him. "I wanted to but I couldn't. Blamed myself for too much…for all of it. And before you say anything I've already been lectured by a few…my kids and Mike."

"Slattery was here?"

"Came to talk some sense into me."

"Did it work?" Sasha retorts as she looks at him and then quickly looks away as he looks up. "When you left…it ripped me apart."

"Sasha…"

"You kissed me damn you! You kissed me and then you just left. You never looked back and…" her voice stammers as she stands up and takes a few feet to the right, Chandler remaining on the bench looking up in anguish. "Wanted you to look back. I know it's selfish but I had to say it."

Chandler slowly stands up and matches her gaze with his own tormented expression as the two of them remain locked in a silent showdown for a few moments.

"Was worried about you. Thought you'd go dark," she admits with a soft quiver to her tone.

"Some nights…those thoughts were there," he admits to her with a heavy sigh as his jaw tightens. "But then…then I'd hear the kids and I'd remember what I told my father when we were still in Norfolk. I didn't want to make them orphans. They've made a few friends in the area and…and now we're just trying to move on."

She holds back a sniffle and offers him a curt nod with a tight lipped smile as he looks as her in disbelief; knowing she's masking more emotion than she wants to unleash.

"How about you? What are you doing now?"

"Trying to move on," she replies simply as their eyes lock in a heated showdown; sapphire pools colliding in an emotionally heated tsunami. "From you…from us."

He looks at her in surprise and wonder, his jaw slackening as his brain races for something to say…desperate to say anything to rebut her verbal verdict.

"Tom when you walked back into my life…I told myself that, although the timing might have been bad it was the one chance at starting over we might get. That kiss…I can't believe it was a final goodbye. But if you tell me…you tell me it was final…I'll get up and walk out and never look back."

"Sasha…"

"Tell me…" she tries once more.

"Sasha…"

"TELL ME!"

"I CAN'T!" He shouts back as their heated showdown continues.

The two of them standing staring at the other for a few more heated seconds before his shoulders slump and her breath exhales. An emotional impasse?

"I can't…" he resigns as she takes a step closer; her mind daring her and her heart racing at top speed, almost painful. "Sasha," he whispers as she closes the gap between them.

Her hand reaches out, holding in the crisp air for a few seconds before it continues on its course, reaching his lightly stubbled cheek and resting on his flushed skin. Chandler's eyes instantly close as the warmth from her touch instantly invades his entire being, pushing through emotional boundaries and knocking down mental walls of insecurity.

She doesn't say a word, only moves in faster than both of them expect and crushes his lips with hers, her other hand latching onto his other cheek and holding him captive for a few searing seconds.

Sasha was the first to make the move and was also the first to break apart, looking at him in soft anguish before she pulls back and lets the heat they had just created start to instantly dissipate. Before he can say a word, she turns on her heal and starts to head for the gate telling herself, "don't look back."

However, that plan doesn't work quite as planned as she feels his strong hand grasp hers and turn her back; her eyes finally glistening with uncertain tears.

"I'm…broken," he admits with a tormented huff as he looks at her with silent failure brewing in his sapphire orbs.

"Not beyond repair," she replies confidently as her hand twists in his so that she's able to grasp it tightly. The two of them remain fixed in time, looking at the other and for the first time in weeks, relief starts to shine through…inner peace is felt and hope starts to take shape. "Besides…you know I'm a good fixer."

A relaxed smile finally starts to grace his features and contentment follows the initial relief. It was what he wanted to hear…needed to hear. He wasn't lost…just misguided. Now…now he's certain he can find his way back – and thankfully not alone.

"So…what's the firewood for?"

"S'mores," Chandler replies with a small smile. "You…"

"Love s'mores," she tells him softly as their hands remain clasped; his mind and heart drawing strength from her warmth and confidence. They didn't have all the clear answers in the moment but the fact that doubt was finally starting to slowly, very slowly, wash away was encouraging. For both of them.

Sasha picks up the axe as Chandler's brows arch in amusement but he gestures toward the piece of wood and watches as she slices it in half.

"Stay," he whispers, thinking that she hadn't heard. But she had.

"For how long?" She directly answers.

"Forever."

 **THE END!**

* * *

 **A/N:** I def don't think it was goodbye for them (at least I hope they are end game b/c they are amazing together!) As with Slattery left this update a bit open b/c I know the show is coming back a year later when season 4 comes back on our screens next June. I am going to end this ficlet here a bit open b/c again I don't know what the show is going to do for Chandler's emotionally tormented journey for season 4. But I might come back to it or write another little speculation piece if we get more spoilers but for now I have a few other things to get out to you all first so hope you all liked this visit from Sasha and please do review before you go and thanks so much!


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